Movin' right along...

I've been trying to make sense of my life, if in fact it makes any sense at all. The recent layoffs at the company (there have been more now) have inspired me to take a hard look at my present situation. I've always planned to move somewhere warm, but it's been a vague, long range plan with a lot of talk about "someday" and "somehow". My "THEN" plan was to stay at my safe, secure little job with it's benefits and yearly salary increases for another 8 or 9 years until I retire. At that point, if I was still of sound mind and body, I would move South.

While I'm still employed, we have been advised that there will be lower medical benefits for higher premiums, and no salary increases until the "economy stabilizes" (whatever the hell that means!). Bottom line, I could still be unemployed at any time at the whim management. I find it funny that this "reorganization" is not affecting upper level management, but that's another issue entirely.

While I would love to just say "fuck you, fuck you very much" to the mid west, jump in the old Ford and head toward Florida (the Destin area to be specific), I do not have the cojones to do such a thing. Plan #2 would entail withdrawing all of my meager (and getting even more meager by the day) retirement funds and hoping to find a job, etc before the money ran out. The down side to Plan #2 would be that it might be nice to have some retirement funds for the point in time I can't support myself. So it looks like my "NOW" plan is #3. Research the area for jobs, housing and relocation possibilities. Plan a vacation within the next few months to scope out the area. Plan #3 may eat into a little of the old retirement money, but hopefully not too much. I've already mailed for the Destin Chamber of Commerce relocation packet! I can feel that warm, white sand between my toes already!

So here's to dreams and dreamers! Someone I love with all my heart once gave me a card with a quote from Thoreau, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." Sounds as appropriate now as it did then.

Blessed, stressed and terrified

Have you ever had the breath knocked out of you? One minute you're fine, then you get hit in the gut. You're trying frantically to suck air into your lungs, but nothing happens. You know you will be ok, but fear and panic creep into your heart anyway.

I've just come through a few challenging years. I have had to dig down to find courage and strength I never knew I possessed. I kept focused, working until I had a good job, a place to live and an old but functioning vehicle. I'm paying my bills on time, something I have rarely been able to do in most of my adult life. In retrospect, I guess I had let myself relax and start feeling good about my future. I was even beginning to dream! Then I got hit in the gut.

The company I work for decided to drastically reduce the number of customer service reps in each of our market areas. There were no rumors, no clues, no warnings. On Tuesday morning, Kansas had 5 CSRs. By Tuesday afternoon, it had me.

Don't get me wrong. I am feeling very blessed to still have a job. Whenever I think about how close I came to being laid off, I want to throw up. I'm also heartsick about my friends. I don't even know what to say to them.

The most overwhelming emotion I feel is fear, fear and panic. The fear even overshadows the joy of still being the one who has a job! Maybe they will decide they don't even need me! How could I be so stupid as to think I could afford to feel secure? I should have known better. Trust no one and cover my ass. Be suspicious and wary when things start to go too smoothly. What a shitty way to live!

I have a blog!

I wasn't sure I really wanted a blog, or if I did, how to go about getting one. But after more hours than I want to admit, I have a blog!
It's deceptively warm here in the mid west this morning. It's supposed to turn cold and snow as the afternoon progresses. I used to think I really disliked the holidays, but I've changed my mind. I just hate winter. I'm going to relocate to somewhere warm, preferably with a beach. I just need to work out the logistics. In the meantime, I'll just snuggle up with some hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows and read my vampire book.
Can't think of anything monumental to add. Wish me luck.