Blessed, stressed and terrified

Have you ever had the breath knocked out of you? One minute you're fine, then you get hit in the gut. You're trying frantically to suck air into your lungs, but nothing happens. You know you will be ok, but fear and panic creep into your heart anyway.

I've just come through a few challenging years. I have had to dig down to find courage and strength I never knew I possessed. I kept focused, working until I had a good job, a place to live and an old but functioning vehicle. I'm paying my bills on time, something I have rarely been able to do in most of my adult life. In retrospect, I guess I had let myself relax and start feeling good about my future. I was even beginning to dream! Then I got hit in the gut.

The company I work for decided to drastically reduce the number of customer service reps in each of our market areas. There were no rumors, no clues, no warnings. On Tuesday morning, Kansas had 5 CSRs. By Tuesday afternoon, it had me.

Don't get me wrong. I am feeling very blessed to still have a job. Whenever I think about how close I came to being laid off, I want to throw up. I'm also heartsick about my friends. I don't even know what to say to them.

The most overwhelming emotion I feel is fear, fear and panic. The fear even overshadows the joy of still being the one who has a job! Maybe they will decide they don't even need me! How could I be so stupid as to think I could afford to feel secure? I should have known better. Trust no one and cover my ass. Be suspicious and wary when things start to go too smoothly. What a shitty way to live!